Your Gluten-Free List of Things That Should Stay in 2014

It’s the mooooost wonderful time of the year!

No, not Christmas, silly.

The time when I write about things I hope I never see or hear again FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

(Tis the season!)

I know you all have just been on pins and needles for this third annual list. Truthfully, I didn’t think I was going to write one this year (Preggo update: I have entered the third trimester-woohoo!- last week at 28 weeks and I haven’t met a nap that I haven’t loved yet).  But lo, there was enough to annoy me to grant a blog.

Now, time for the required preface.

You may love some of these things, or *shudder* all of these things.

That’s okay. I still love you.

Well, it’s at least very likely that I do.

For sure in the Christian love way, if nothing else.

So take this the way it’s intended, as truth that should be set in stone as my opinion and to have a little fun.  If there’s something on here that’s your favorite, and you genuinely get offended, then we’re probably not or shouldn’t be friends because as Ray Charles sang, you don’t know me.  And just know that there are other things I would’ve LOVED to write, but I would like to have at least a few friends as we enter 2015.

10 Things That Should Stay in 2014 (in no particular order)**:

1. In-love names

I love Brett’s sister and brother. They are very sweet to me and have treated me like family the day I met them both. But y’all, if I (and they to me) ever refer to them as my “sister-in-LOVE” or “brother-in-LOVE,” then please gently ask me when I fell in love with them and NOT THEIR BROTHER WHOM IS MY HUSBAND.  I understand that “law” sounds a little, for lack of a better word, legalistic, but they are my brother and sister by… you guessed it… law! Whenever someone says the “in-love” either in writing or verbally, I just think that must lead to an awkward family shindig.

2. Elf on the Shelf (Once more, WITH FEELING!)

Do you want to create some controversy?

Don’t post about abortion. Don’t post about same-sex marriage. Don’t post about healthcare issues. Don’t post about, you know, eternal life.

You know what you should post about? That you and your spouse have decided that you will not have an Elf on the Shelf.

You would have thought I said, “I’m calling each of your homes tonight, talking to your children, and telling them Santa isn’t real,” by some of the comments in defense of the doll I received.

I get it. The Elf brings joy to your homes, and I’m thrilled for you if it does.  I am totally fine with you having an Elf on the Shelf. Personally, I think he’s creepy and honestly, in many instances, one more thing to distract children from the true meaning of the season. Kids (and don’t call the news people, OURS WILL TOO) have Christmas morning when Santa comes and the anticipation that he was coming the weeks before Christmas. This was all I ever needed. And I get that everyone else may have an Elf on the Shelf. But you know what “everyone else” had that I didn’t growing up? A dog. A trampoline. A swimming pool.  And somehow I was not scarred for life and had a wonderful childhood.

Never say never, but it is very unlikely that our child will have Elf on the Shelf. I am your elf. I report to Santa. So be good for goodness sake.

(Don’t get me started on the tirade I had the other day when I saw a “Birthday Elf on the Shelf.”  There are not enough words…)

3. Media Hype

So we’re driving back from Florida back in October, when I’m looking on Facebook and see that our local news station has reported an E-bola case at the gas station about a mile or so from our house. Immediately, I panic.

I’m pregnant! That’s right by our house! What about our baby! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

Then, about a half hour later, that same news station posts a “correction” stating that the patient did not have E-bola, rather basically a bad cold that made her feel faint.

I think the media is in such a hurry to be the first to report it, especially on social media, they have become careless.  It’s like I tell my kids who rush on their work in class to be first to turn it in, and then they left three blank.  It’s not about who’s first, it’s about who’s right.

(By the way, I believe all Fox News does is media hype. And I lean mostly conservative. They give Conservatives and blondes a bad name).

Simmer down.

4. Guns

I really posted this to sit back and watch my comments explode.

(But really, I can’t stand guns. I understand their purpose, especially if you hunt to put food on your table and for defense, but I think they’re the cause of a lot of evil. I get that guns don’t kill people, people kill people, but those people usually need a GUN).

(Sidenote: I never loved my, at the time, future husband more when he told me he didn’t care a thing about hunting when we were dating, by the way).

(I understand that this may take away my right to live in the South).

This leads me to…

5. Dead Animal Pictures on Facebook

Nothing like scrolling on my newsfeed while eating and seeing a picture of a deer with blood oozing out of the side of it.  I get that you’re proud of your prize, as well you should be if that’s your thing. But can we not crop out the bloody part? It’s the same thing with medical ailments on Facebook. I don’t need to see a bloody finger as much as I don’t need to see a bloody duck.

Also, I’ve never hated the auto-play option more on videos when I once was scrolling and someone posted a video of them BUTCHERING THEIR DEAD DEER.  I couldn’t scroll away fast enough.  I think even Elmer Fudd would have a problem with that.

6. Gluten-Free Bandwagonners

Preface (again): I do realize (and know) that  some people have a very real allergy/medical issue that involves gluten, so they can’t eat it.  Totally understand and I totally feel for them. This is not directed to you.

But the people that are the loudest on the gluten-free train are the ones who can eat it, but it’s not trendy right now, so they’re not. Seriously, you don’t impress me that you made a gluten-free pizza. Or gluten-free spaghetti. Or ate a gluten-free piece of cake that you promise tastes the same if not better!

You depress me.  Enjoy your green smoothie.

(If I ever opened a bakery- spoiler alert, won’t ever happen KINDA LIKE ELF OF THE SHELF, then its name would be ‘All Gluten, All the Time’).

7. Third Down for What!

Third Down for What T-Shirts

You know what’s cute? Playing the same annoying song every time the opposing team has a third down. Tennessee was really impressed with itself this year with that little trick which worked SO SUCCESSFULLY (have fun at the Tax-Slayer Bowl, y’all).

THIRD DOWN FOR STOP.

(And I would say the same if Alabama did it. In fact, at their last game, I thought I heard them play it when the team Alabama was playing had a third down and I shook my head in disgust).

Seriously. It almost made me miss Rocky Top.

Almost.

8. Jameis Winston

I don’t wish injury on anyone, and I don’t wish ill will either. So when I say “stay in 2014,” I mean basically off of my TV.  And that’s all I have to say about that.

9. Florida-Georgia Line

Y’all, I must admit something. I actually liked their song, “Dirt.” (Figures I did, they didn’t write that one).  I thought, “Whoa, have they actually realized that music should be fun, but should also have some depth?!

Then, they released their second single, “Sun Daze.”

Here are part of the lyrics (and I overlooked more of the vulgar parts to choose this. This is a PG blog, y’all):

But all I wanna do today is wear my favorite shades and get stoned
Work a little less, play a little more
That’s what this day is for
And all I wanna do is lace my J’s and lace some Jack in my Coke
Work on my laid back, ain’t nothin’ wrong
With gettin’ my sun daze on, gettin’ my sun daze on

No kidding, my second graders could write a much better song than that. I have faith in the Kindergartners! GO AWAY.

10. Recipe Sharing on Facebook

You know where’s a great place to share recipes online and keep them nice and organized for you to refer to later and still not make it then either?

**I really wanted to include, “Leggings are not pants,” for the TRIFECTA because it is a NATIONAL CRISIS if my trip to Opry Mills told me anything today, but I have fought the good fight. I will just continue to mumble it under my breath when I walk past these ladies who clearly didn’t look from all angles in the mirror before they left.

There you have it.

All in good fun.

Now, don’t go tell your elf on me.

Happy 2015!

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